On life in general.

So much has happened in my life the past few years. I used to spend much of my life alone. I would come home from work, play video games then go to bed at 9 pm out of boredom. I had no social life at all. The only people in my life were family and co-workers. I never really felt like I could talk to family, and co-workers were typically people I didn't care for. There were a few that I liked but it was really a 9-5 friendship. I got to the point in life were I realized I had no-one. I needed to change my life around. I started going to church in Middleton. It was a new opportunity for me filled with many challenges. One challenge was to defeat my shyness. I never really had friends growing up so I learned to do everything on my own. There were a few friends here and there that would do stuff with me but eventually we would out grow our friendships. I never let anyone truly learn who I was. I wouldn't let people in. Now that I was going to church I needed to change. I put myself out there more than I ever had. It took a few months but I finally began building friendships.  One particular friend would grow to be my best friend. Jacob and I began doing everything together. We started the party group, brought together all these people who would otherwise be doing nothing. I opened up to Jacob in ways I never had anyone else. I formed many friendships with others and we had a good thing going. Macey, Heather, Katie, Derek, Tori, Bri, Amy, Jason, Micah, Jared, Kellan and many others became a big part of my life. Caleb and I in particular became very close friends. I had never become connected to someone in a way I had connected to Caleb. He was like a brother to me. I encouraged Caleb to go on a mission and new it would be tough when he left. But as it got closer to the time Caleb left something had changed. We began drifting apart. The last time I saw him I gave him a great big hug and said goodbye. We promised we would keep in contact during his mission but I knew in my heart that it would likely be the last time I saw him. About twenty minutes from the time Caleb and I said goodbye Jacob approached me and said "have fun this summer" confused I asked him what he meant. He informed me that he was going to Alaska for the summer to work and that he didn't know how long he would be gone or when he was leaving. I didn't take that news very well. I was losing my 2 best friends in a matter of a few minutes. It took Jacob a few weeks before he actually left for Alaska. He wouldn't commit to do anything because he felt any second he would get a phone call and would leave in a few hours. I told Jacob that while he was gone I was going to try to lose my dependency on him. While he was in Alaska, I was stressing over whether or not Caleb would write to me, or if everything would fall apart without Jacob around. I became focused on myself and ignored others needs. Other friends were having a difficult time and I wasn't there for them. Heather especially was having a hard time with Caleb leaving, and her and another mutual friend having complications. I got tired of the drama that was going on so I tried to fix the situation. By doing so I offended another friend and lost her friendship. My prediction was happening right before my eyes. And instead of losing my dependency on Jacob the opposite happened. I felt like I needed him more. Micah ended up moving to Virginia during this time. I learned from him that Jacob would be coming home from Alaska sooner than expected, but then would move to Virginia.  When Jacob got home from Alaska something had changed. He hardly spent anytime around me. Even when we were in the same room he was distant. I never got the chance to really talk to him before he left for Virginia. The last night I saw him, he gave me a brief hug and said he would let me know when he was leaving. He left without even saying goodbye. I can't explain how I felt at this time. Caleb hadn't emailed me in months, Jacob wouldn't always respond to me,  And if he did it would be brief. Derek had gone missing, Bri won't talk to me, and Heather is so busy she is never around. I would go places and feel completely alone. Activities where I normally had a blast would now be miserable because my friends were gone. And I got tired of people asking about Caleb and Jacob and I had no answer to give them. I cried myself to sleep a lot during this time. I have spent a lot of time trying to rebuild friendships. I also make new friends just to have them leave to school or go on missions, or simply move away. Kellan and Amy are still there for me and Heather is able to spend more time with me. But overall I have had to learn to lock my heart. I have had too much pain this year. Things are getting better. Even though I may have lost my best friends, I am striving to be happy. I don't know what will happen when Jacob moves back. I have been hurt by him enough that I am struggling to see him again. I don't want to start over for him to find the latest thing and then just vanish again. One thing for certain, I have lost my dependency on him. That's what I wanted, right?