Decisions.

I do this thing when I am looking for an answer, I pray and then open the scriptures to a random passage. Today's question is do I remain in the singles branch or do I go to a family ward. The passage...

Mosiah 25

21Therefore they did assemble themselves together in different bodies, being called churches; every church having their priests and their teachers, and every priest preaching the word according as it was delivered to him by the mouth of Alma.
22 And thus, notwithstanding there being many churches they were all one church, yea, even the church of God; for there was nothing preached in all the churches except it were repentance and faith in God.
23 And now there were seven churches in the land of Zarahemla. And it came to pass that whosoever were desirous to take upon them the name of Christ, or of God, they did join the churches of God;
24 And they were called the people of God. And the Lord did pour out his Spirit upon them, and they were blessed, and prospered in the land.

I know the church is true no matter where you go. I am technically to old to be in the singles branch. President Lewis has allowed me to continue going because the needs of the individual. I feel the branch no longer fulfills my needs. I know why I go to church. But at the same time it is important to feel needed and wanted. I developed so many friendships in the branch that have helped me in so many ways. I have been active in the branch for over 2 years. Some of these friendships helped me through some difficult times. Helped me rebuild my testimony, and encouraged me to become the best person I could. It will be tough walking away from them. At first I may get invites to fun activities, but eventually, I will no longer be associated with any of my past or current friends from the branch. It will be a life changing decision. And once I leave the branch, there will be no going back.

Bring on the next challenge

In September 2013 I was serving as the branch financial clerk. A few of us were planning on finding tickets to go to general conference. I learned the name of the person I needed to contact to get tickets. Funny thing is that night my phone rang and it happened to be that very person. He asked if I would say the prayer at Stake Conference and I agreed to say the prayer in exchange for the tickets. The following week I was in Utah doing some construction. The week of stake conference came and I said the prayer. The next week I was in Utah again then Monday night I went in to write some reimbursement checks. Brother Fisher came in and asked if I had any trouble logging into the computer and I had not. I was confused watching president Lewis show brother Fisher how to set up an account for the new branch financial clerk. Turns out they had called a "second" clerk to help out when I was gone. At that point I knew I was being released, I knew the member clerk had gone to school so I was expecting to receive that calling. That Sunday I had made arrangements to pick up the conference tickets at the stake center. When I received the tickets the stake Secretary realized who I was and told me to meet with the Stake president at 1. After I left the stake center I needed to pick up Emma. Her van was out of fuel so we had to go get some before church. I asked Derek to text Jason and ask if I was giving the opening or closing prayer and we didn't get a response. We got to sacrament as they were singing the opening song. As I walked in I saw President Lewis and President Evans point and talk about me. The song got over and no-one stood to say the prayer I assumed I had the opening prayer. I got up and said the prayer, turns out, it wasn't supposed to be me. After sacrament, President Evans asked to speak with me there. He took me into the office and interviewed me then called me as the Elders quorum president...It was a big calling. I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. All my friends knew I was getting a calling but I couldn't tell them the calling. I wanted to tell people but I couldn't. The current president hadn't been released yet. At general conference I finally got a hold of brother walker to give him the name's of my councilors. Finally 2 weeks after I was called I finally was sustained and set apart as Elders Quorum president. The next year and a half brought so many blessings into my life. I made several friendships and was blessed by so many people. There were times I was ready to quit, tell everyone I was done and walk away. I was so busy and stressed I didn't want to do it anymore. But other times, I could see the effect I had on people. See the happiness that my friendship brought as well as the council I was able to give them. I have known for some time that I was going to be released and I wasn't ready to. But the past little while I accepted it and actually looked forward to it. In December one of my councilors moved and I needed to call another one, it was taking a while to get the stake to approve the name I had submitted and at that time I realised my time was up. Two weeks ago I met with President Evans who extended a release to me. And today I was finally released and I sustained President Kunz to be my replacement. Beau was an amazing councillor. He helped me in so many ways. I know he will do an amazing job. As for me, I didn't have a calling for 10 minutes. I am now on the activities committee. This new calling will bring some of its own challenges, but it will be nice not having so many responsibilities. I can sit in church and listen to the teachings, and feel the spirit.

I complain a lot so I need to counter my complaints.

Things are slowly changing. I still don't spend a lot of time with anyone in particular but gradually I am getting back with old friends. I had a fun day Saturday. Up to this point I haven't done much with Jacob. Jacob and I made plans to see a movie at 2:30 so we invited a bunch of friends. I stopped at sportsman warehouse to waste time. Jacob pulled in and saw my car and surprised me. It was so nice to have random fun with an old friend. I remembered how much fun it was to do "nothing" with this kid. We got to the movie and met up with the others. Afterwards we went to dinner then a friends to play games. I really like having him back. I am keeping my expectations low, but he is working with me to build our friendship back. Another big event occurred with another old friend. A few weeks ago I sent a letter to Caleb. I kept the letter positive. I mentioned that I didn't even know if he read my letters, or if I was wasting my time writing to him, and that I would continue writing him until he asked me not to. A couple weeks past then I got an email from him. It had been over 6 months. It was a group email, but it was a start. I was confused at first because I had determined he would never write to me again. I got a second group letter today. Sunday I went to a fireside and talked to Bri. Tonight at fhe we spent a lot of time together. People were talking about Facebook and I asked Bri if I could refriend her and she said yes. All three of these are huge success stories about determination, perseverance and forgiveness.  I am grateful for the people I have in my life. Even though they at times cause heart ache, you can get over it.

Feeling accomplished.

I accomplished a major milestone in my life tonight. It's something I have wanted to do since I was a teenager, but I never had a push to get it done. I made the decision to do it a few years ago but wasn't able to find an opportunity at the time. Last year I had no real desire to go through the process but this year I finally achieved my goal. I was worried because I didn't grow up in that environment. Most people go through it as teenagers and I didn't have a role model to look up to, or learn from. Then I thought it would be awkward. Me being in my thirties in a room full of young kids. And since I don't have very much experience I was worried I would fail. Tuesday as I walked into the building I met the instructor. He was one of my customers. And even better, I was surrounded by people my age. I didn't really have time to study between Tuesday and today so I was still worried tonight when it was time to take the exam. I passed... what a relief. After receiving my certificate I left feeling like I had accomplished something I should have done many years ago. The best part is tomorrow, I will be a licensed hunter.

It's amazing what time will do.

One year ago I had a lot of friends. My phone went off all day with people wishing me a happy thanksgiving. I understand that a phone is a two way communicating devise, but this year I didn't receive a single message from anyone. My birthday less than 6 months ago I was surrounded by a dozen friends. Now I have only a few people who treat me like a friend. I guess I need to move on with my life and accept the fact that I don't fit in anymore.

Falling asleep on the couch.

It's been a while since I have fallen asleep on the couch. I remember as a kid I would fall asleep on the couch after fighting bedtime with my parents. It was always magical waking up the next morning in my bed. Then later in life I would be woken up by mom or dad telling me to go to bed. From time to time I would stay over at a friends home and would sleep on the couch. A lot of fond memories. But tonight wasn't one of those memories. Tonight I simply feel asleep on the couch because I had nothing else to do. I was sitting there alone with the tv off. Yep, my life is exciting.

Not looking forward to this week.

They come home this week. I know I can't avoid them forever. But I don't want to see them right now. I have been hurt to much to pretend that now they're home all is well. I don't want to become reattached just to be excluded, ignored, and uninvited. I know I am being silly, Jacob used to be my best friend, but things change...people change. I am not the same person either. I don't know when they come home, I hear Tuesday through Saturday. The following week I am leaving on vacation until the 8th. That means I just need to avoid them until thanksgiving. I will deal with them after my vacation. Like I said,I can't avoid them forever.

A shout out to an unknown friend.

Sometimes when life is changing you find friends in people you wouldn't expect. One great example is Walker Orr. Walker was called as my councillor in April. Before that time I didn't know him very well. Walker and I never hung out after church. We had a different circle of friends, and enjoy different lifestyles. Over the summer I was experiencing several challenges. Walker knew I was having a rough time and forced me to begin delegating more of my responsibility. Every chance he got he would volunteer to do something. He taught me that I don't have to do everything myself, I can accept help. In a time of my life when I needed it most he was there...always there. As I mentioned earlier Walker and I were only friends in church. I didn't expect that I would have a hard time when he left for his mission. As the time got closer, I realized more and more what he did for me. Just before he left, walker and I went out and had some amazing experiences with less active members. That night as we said goodbye for one of the last times, I told him all he had done for me. He then mentioned things I did for him. I never realised how much he looked up to me, or the affect I had on him. He has been on his mission just over a month now. I have received several letters from him and he continues to be an example to me. I am very grateful for this friend I never knew I had. Always treat everyone with the greatest love and appreciation. You never know how you affect their lives.

A calm before the storm.

My yearly final exam is over. At work we prepare for inventory all year long. About 2 months before we began focusing on it more. Then the final 2 weeks it is our primary focus. It is always a stressful time in at work. This is the first year I held a primary role in the inventory process. This year the work and effort we put into inventory was a success. I'm glad it's over. Now the problem... In order to help the inventory process, the purchasing department will hold off on orders to help reduce the amount of stock we have on hand. Now that inventory is over, these orders are being processed and shipped. Next week will not be fun. So far we have 10 full 53' semi loads, plus all the ltl loads being delivered next week. In a week or two it will be nice. We will be caught up and have time to think. At least until the temperatures drop.

Late night thoughts.

Recently I spend a lot of time in the middle of the night pondering things. I would prefer to be asleep, but for some reason I am not. I am trying to live a simple life. I go to work, attend church, fhe, and institute, and try to have a balanced social life. I am striving to let go of the past and work towards a future that is worth living.
I keep being told I need to get married, I am told I am looking for lasting friendships with young guys who don't know what they want in life. The average age of the people I associate with is probably 20 years old. If course these people would become my friends. After a while, I begin to let them into my comfort zone and develop a relationship of trust. Because of this I am often hurt when they move on to the next stage of life and leave me behind.
Currently, there are a few girls I find interesting and would pursue a relationship with, but it takes time for me to open up to anyone. By the time I get to the point that I am ready to admit I like someone, the situation changes. Whether the girl moves on, or becomes attached to someone else, or I find out she's got a crazy side that I don't want to deal with, it I get scared because I don't want to be hurt again. I told myself years ago that I probably won't get married. The girl will need to play her cards just right to convince me that she wants me. Without being way to obvious or desperate. I know I will get married at some point. I'm not forcing it.
I am also working very hard to get out of debt. My car will be paid off in June. And I think I will have all my credit cards paid off by the end of 2015. I am determined to accomplish this goal.

The weekend getaway.

Life is pretty busy for me right now. At work we are preparing for inventory which can be pretty stressful. I spend a lot of time trying to make sure the warehouse is in order. It might sound a little conceded but the thing that I lack that previous managers had is me. In years past I spent a lot of time prepping for inventory which allowed the managers to get more work done that they needed to do. I have a very new crew that has not gone through our inventory process and don't understand why it is so important to do things certain ways. I hope this inventory goes over well. I have mentioned in previous entries my current friendship situation where there is definitely room for improvement. In addition to my church responsibilities. It was time to take a break. I asked Nathan if he would be willing to attend my meetings and teach the lesson in elders quorum so I could go home. I also rescheduled my meeting with a member of the stake presidency to next week. And I went home...I had hoped for a nice relaxing weekend. Friday night I ended up going to my home towns trunk or treat. The typical questions were asked including my personal favorite...when are you getting married. Then Saturday the majority of the family was there and they each asked about work, and me being the boss, they also asked about Jacob and Caleb. Again, you know the pain associated with those names... Also my favorite marriage question including possible blind dates. I want to be around people I love and care about. I know they are interested in my life and care about me but it does put me in a bad mood and makes me want to be distant...Then Sunday those who actually remeber me ask who I'm dating....To wrap up this rant I guess the point is I didn't get the weekend I wanted.

On life in general.

So much has happened in my life the past few years. I used to spend much of my life alone. I would come home from work, play video games then go to bed at 9 pm out of boredom. I had no social life at all. The only people in my life were family and co-workers. I never really felt like I could talk to family, and co-workers were typically people I didn't care for. There were a few that I liked but it was really a 9-5 friendship. I got to the point in life were I realized I had no-one. I needed to change my life around. I started going to church in Middleton. It was a new opportunity for me filled with many challenges. One challenge was to defeat my shyness. I never really had friends growing up so I learned to do everything on my own. There were a few friends here and there that would do stuff with me but eventually we would out grow our friendships. I never let anyone truly learn who I was. I wouldn't let people in. Now that I was going to church I needed to change. I put myself out there more than I ever had. It took a few months but I finally began building friendships.  One particular friend would grow to be my best friend. Jacob and I began doing everything together. We started the party group, brought together all these people who would otherwise be doing nothing. I opened up to Jacob in ways I never had anyone else. I formed many friendships with others and we had a good thing going. Macey, Heather, Katie, Derek, Tori, Bri, Amy, Jason, Micah, Jared, Kellan and many others became a big part of my life. Caleb and I in particular became very close friends. I had never become connected to someone in a way I had connected to Caleb. He was like a brother to me. I encouraged Caleb to go on a mission and new it would be tough when he left. But as it got closer to the time Caleb left something had changed. We began drifting apart. The last time I saw him I gave him a great big hug and said goodbye. We promised we would keep in contact during his mission but I knew in my heart that it would likely be the last time I saw him. About twenty minutes from the time Caleb and I said goodbye Jacob approached me and said "have fun this summer" confused I asked him what he meant. He informed me that he was going to Alaska for the summer to work and that he didn't know how long he would be gone or when he was leaving. I didn't take that news very well. I was losing my 2 best friends in a matter of a few minutes. It took Jacob a few weeks before he actually left for Alaska. He wouldn't commit to do anything because he felt any second he would get a phone call and would leave in a few hours. I told Jacob that while he was gone I was going to try to lose my dependency on him. While he was in Alaska, I was stressing over whether or not Caleb would write to me, or if everything would fall apart without Jacob around. I became focused on myself and ignored others needs. Other friends were having a difficult time and I wasn't there for them. Heather especially was having a hard time with Caleb leaving, and her and another mutual friend having complications. I got tired of the drama that was going on so I tried to fix the situation. By doing so I offended another friend and lost her friendship. My prediction was happening right before my eyes. And instead of losing my dependency on Jacob the opposite happened. I felt like I needed him more. Micah ended up moving to Virginia during this time. I learned from him that Jacob would be coming home from Alaska sooner than expected, but then would move to Virginia.  When Jacob got home from Alaska something had changed. He hardly spent anytime around me. Even when we were in the same room he was distant. I never got the chance to really talk to him before he left for Virginia. The last night I saw him, he gave me a brief hug and said he would let me know when he was leaving. He left without even saying goodbye. I can't explain how I felt at this time. Caleb hadn't emailed me in months, Jacob wouldn't always respond to me,  And if he did it would be brief. Derek had gone missing, Bri won't talk to me, and Heather is so busy she is never around. I would go places and feel completely alone. Activities where I normally had a blast would now be miserable because my friends were gone. And I got tired of people asking about Caleb and Jacob and I had no answer to give them. I cried myself to sleep a lot during this time. I have spent a lot of time trying to rebuild friendships. I also make new friends just to have them leave to school or go on missions, or simply move away. Kellan and Amy are still there for me and Heather is able to spend more time with me. But overall I have had to learn to lock my heart. I have had too much pain this year. Things are getting better. Even though I may have lost my best friends, I am striving to be happy. I don't know what will happen when Jacob moves back. I have been hurt by him enough that I am struggling to see him again. I don't want to start over for him to find the latest thing and then just vanish again. One thing for certain, I have lost my dependency on him. That's what I wanted, right?

Lebron better than Jordan? Pshh, we can talk when Lebron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.

I'm going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.

Went by the bank this morning and the teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

Don't worry, You're fine. I'm pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.

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